


No Longer Numb

by appleturnoversandstrudel



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst and Humor, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Karaoke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-16
Updated: 2017-02-16
Packaged: 2018-09-24 22:35:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9790154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/appleturnoversandstrudel/pseuds/appleturnoversandstrudel
Summary: It's karaoke night at Granny's, and Emma is just about to leave when Regina takes the stage, singing a very emotional song. Afterwards, Emma goes to confront her about it





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in the fall of 2012. It has been unedited since. The song referenced is Numb by Linkin Park. I recommend you listen to it while you read, if possible.

Emma POV:

I'm headed out to Granny's diner. It's Thursday, and as of last month, every Thursday is karaoke night. In my opinion, this is one of Granny's better ideas, and is definitely more palatable than theme dress up night. Hawaiian Luau…shudder. There are some people that should not be seen in a hula skirt. Karaoke isn't exactly my thing, but I'm off duty tonight, and I honestly have nothing better to do with myself. Besides, there's always the chance that someone will get drunk and belt out something hilarious and off key. Better than cable, if you ask me.

Regina POV:

Why am I doing this? There is no logical reason for me to want to humiliate myself in front of all my townspeople, so why in the hell would I voluntarily go mingle with them? And then sing karaoke, of all things? It must be the stress. It's getting to me. I keep seeing her…everywhere. Staring at me, judging me, her disdain at literally everything I have done with my life apparent in every look. _Why, Regina? You could have been so great. You could have done so much. All you had to do was be an obedient daughter, and you couldn't even handle that. You're a failure. A disgrace._ Go away, Mother, I muttered, as I walked out the door. I have to do this. I need to prove her wrong.

Emma POV:

Well, so far this is as big of a disappointment as usual. Leroy sounds as bad drunk as he does sober…wait, has he ever even sung sober? Ruby's rendition of "Fever" was slutty even for my taste, and Mary Margaret's slightly tipsy "Bleeding Love" caused me to be embarrassed for her. Maybe I'll take a chance with the cable, I thought as I turned to walk out the door. "Desperate Housewives" will probably be on some channel. Goodness knows I enjoy watching Bree crack her perfect exterior and fall apart. I hate people like that, who act so damn flawless all the time. Stepford wives, like our own Madam Mayor. But oho! What is this? The aforementioned Madam Mayor is getting up from her seat and walking over to the karaoke machine. This is an interesting development. I walk to the bar and plant myself down firmly. I'm going to want a front seat for this. If karaoke is better than cable, karaoke with Regina will be like HBO.

Regina POV:

Damn. Why the fuck am I up here? Why am I doing this? I pick out my song and tell Granny to put it on. She raises an eyebrow, and then presses play. Shit. No turning back now.

Emma POV:

Regina's standing in front of everyone, microphone clasped in both hands, nervous. Madam Mayor, nervous? This night just gets better and better! I can't wait to hear what she picked out. Probably something by Queen (ha!). She seems the type to be into "Bohemian Rhapsody" style melodrama. I hear the opening notes of her selection, and I gasp. It's very distinct, and very familiar. This song got me through memories of some of my hardest foster homes. No way was Regina this cool! The electric guitar kicks in, and she begins to sing.

Regina's voice is soft but steady, smooth as velvet. I gasp as she continues, stronger and more confident.

Her eyes actually close as she holds out this last note. They stay squeezed shut as she continues. I can't help but get the feeling that she's not just doing this for kicks, but actually singing about someone. Who could possibly break our unflappable mayor like this?

By the time she got to the chorus, she abandoned all pretense of sophistication at this point and begins to belt the chorus, pain seeping through every word.

Her tiredness is visible on her face as she finally lets her defenses crumble and shows her inner anguish. How much of this song is true for her?

Regina POV:

The song just flows out of me. It's like my body's been waiting for this opportunity for God knows how long. I don't even care what they think anymore. I need to finish what I started, and damn it, it feels good!

I take a deep breath. There, Mother, I said it. I don't want to be you. I hope you're rolling over in your grave, you sadistic bitch. May you rot in hell for all the pain you've inflicted. I start singing the second verse.

Isn't that the truth? Smothering and controlling indeed. Linkin Park must have personally known my mother. I grimace and continue.

Emma POV:

Regina's face takes on a different, almost childlike quality. All her confidence and her bravado are gone, replaced by a wounded honesty. She seems to be only eight years old, afraid to be punished for doing something wrong. I know that feeling very well. It's usually accompanied by whimpering in the corner during time out, or if you had the wonderful foster parents I did, cringing during beatings. But I soon outgrew that. We all did. You had to, in order to survive in the system. So why is Regina, Miss Hell in Heels herself, acting like a little girl instead of the mature woman she is? Her trauma must stem to her childhood. I was never any good at school, but reading people was a natural talent, one necessary to survival. The psychology classes I took at the local community college in order to become a bail bonds person only honed this talent. She was hurt in childhood, most likely by a parent. Shit. All this rumination (see Mary Margaret, I pay attention to your spontaneous vocabulary lessons!) is causing me to miss out on Mayor Mills' mental breakdown.

She gets even louder at this last part and her entire face contorts with emotion. She sings the chorus even more loudly than before.

Seeing as this song was practically a lullaby to me for a period of time, I know what's coming. If Madam Mayor does this right…Electricity flows through me as I shudder with the possibility.

Regina POV:

Okay. This is it. Mother, I hope hell gets good reception from Maine, because if you haven't been listening before, you damn well need to listen now. I take a deep breath and belt out the lyrics to the bridge for all they're worth.

Emma POV:

If Regina was good before, then she is amazing now. She practically screams out the bridge, tears forming in her eyes, and she slams the last note so hard that I'm shocked her voice doesn't break. She stays on it with the same intensity, sliding up and barreling into the chorus again.

Her voice finally starts to give a little from the strain, and she sings the last chorus a little softer, letting her anger finally be replaced with numbness.

She finishes it off softly, her voice raspy yet more beautiful than before. The tears are wiped away and her mask comes back up as she says "Thank you" and heads toward the door. I've got to catch her. I need to know what could cause her so much unspeakable pain and shatter her so. I chase her and finally corner her in Granny's parking lot.

"What the hell, Regina?" I get out, as I grab her by the shoulders.

She gives one of her politician smiles as she lies smoothly "I was under the impression that it was karaoke night. I merely wanted to give our fellow townspeople a good show. After all, it is election season." She winks and turns, but I resist.

"Oh, hell no! You can't just sing like you sang and then expect to get out of it. You practically bared your fucking soul to the entire town! What is up with you?" I yell, frustrated at her resistance.

"It's none of your concern Miss Swan" she says, in a low, dangerous voice. "Now please unhand me or I will press charges."

"And what good will that do you? I'm the law in this town, and I assure you, I have no intention of adding any more criminal charges to my record. Now tell me Regina, or so help me God, I will give you cause to press charges. What messed you up this badly?"

"Maybe you didn't understand me the first time. You street urchins have your own language, so let me be clear: WHAT HAPPENED TO ME IS NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS!"

She finally wrests herself from my grasp and bolts toward her house like her life depends on it. I just stand there, stunned.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma confronts Regina about her performance.

Emma POV:

Regina is halfway down the street before I finally react. My body snaps into action as I run after her.

"Regina!" I yell, hoping she'll hear me and turn around. "Regina, wait!" She keeps on running, giving no sign that she heard me at all. I keep on running, completely fueled by adrenaline at this point as my muscles begin to feel the strain. I should really get back into shape, I think, groaning, but now is not the time for distraction. I am a woman on a mission, and I will keep going until that mission is fulfilled. We make it to Regina's driveway before she even begins to slow down. Finally, she stops at her door, bending with her hands on her knees and panting for breath.

Regina POV:

I have no idea what came over me. One minute I was walking out of Granny's, with full composure, and the next I was sprinting toward my house like a madwoman. It's all Miss Swan's fault. If that insufferable woman could only learn to mind her own business, both of our lives would be a lot easier. Yet, I can't help feeling grateful that she cared. Nobody else in the entire diner showed any reaction to my performance, save gasps of shock at my vocal ability. I honestly don't know why they were so surprised. Elocution lessons were mandatory for royalty, and I merely chose to complement mine with singing lessons. It was a good thing I did too, as music became my only outlet. But Miss Swan…she was different. She saw past the performance to my pain and inner trauma. How much was she able to figure out? I close my eyes, still gasping for breath. Damn, she's coming up my driveway. She followed me all the way here?! She must really want to know what's going on. Okay, Regina, you've done this before. You can do it again. It's show time.

Emma POV:

When I reach her driveway, I slow down and walk to her door, giving her a few seconds to gather herself. Her breathing is still heavy when I get to her door. Slowly, I approach her, careful not to spook her. She seems terrified enough without my aggression scaring her off. Maybe that's what I did wrong before. Maybe if I try being gentle with her, she'll tell me what's wrong.

"Regina?" I try cautiously, placing one hand tentatively on her shoulder.

"Don't _touch_ me!" She immediately flinches away from the contact. Does she think I'm going to hurt her or something? I mean, yeah, we've had our problems in the past, but I know how to pick my battles. Besides, it's not my style to kick someone when they're down.

"You know I'm not going to hurt you, right?" I say gently, as I smile toward her. Fear flashes quickly through her eyes and is replaced by hardness almost instantly. Wow, she did think I was going to hurt her. Was she abused or something? After tonight, I'm willing to believe anything.

"Don't be ridiculous Miss Swan. I know you wouldn't do that. Your precious record is far too important to you to risk tarnishing it over me" she spits out bitterly. Holy crap, she really does think I would hurt her!

"Really, Regina? You think that's the only reason? We've had our differences in the past, but that doesn't mean that I would stoop so low as to hurt you, especially in such a state." I do my best not to snort. This is a serious moment, and as ridiculous as her fear of me is, I won't take advantage of it.

Hope glimmers in her eyes. "But Graham…and the hospital" she falters, but I understand perfectly.

"Oh Regina, you can't judge me by that! I was angry! We both were! You hurt me pretty deep both times! But now, you are the one that's hurt, and I want to help you. Please, let me help you." My eyes find hers, begging her to trust me, to let me take care of her.

"And why would I do that Miss Swan? Because of your stellar interpersonal record? I'd much rather deal with this on my own than have you screw it up like you do everything else."

"That's just the pain speaking, Regina. You know you want to trust me. You have to tell _someone_ about this, and out of everyone in this town, I'm the one that can understand it the most. Don't you get it Regina?" My voice gets louder at this point as my frustration grows. Why does she always have to be so damn stubborn?

"As fascinating as your life story may be Miss Swan, I have no interest in hearing it, and I certainly don't want your help. Good night Miss Swan" The dismissal is obvious, and that's my breaking point.

"Dammit, Regina! Why are you doing this? You think it's going to help if you repress your trauma? Cause it's not. It's just going to grow inside you, eating at you until it consumes you. You need to get it out, and it's either me or Archie. Now take your pick! Or else…" I ramble, talking completely through my anger.

"What, are you going to do your worst? Go ahead Miss Swan. I can assure you, it's nothing I haven't experienced before" Regina bit her lower lip, bracing herself for an attack. I can't hold it in any longer. Propriety be damned, I have to ask.

"Regina?" I start out timidly. "Have you…you know. Have you ever been abused?" It's my turn to flinch as I prepare for the inevitable tongue lashing that's sure to result. Instead, she looks at me oddly, fear, sadness, and hope mixed inexplicably in her eyes. She opens her mouth to retaliate, and instead crumples into a pile on her doorstep.

Regina POV:

"Have you…you know. Have you ever been abused?" The question rang out in my mind as I begin to shut down. She knows…she knows, she knows, she knows! I start to panic, fanning my face to try and force air into my lungs. Now what? She's going to run away, tell me I'm bad, tell me I'm dirty and useless like everyone else in my life. The emotions become too much for me; I need escape, and I blissfully black out.

"…Regina?" A voice floats down, reaching my ears as if from a distance. "Can you hear me?" I slowly open my eyes and take in the scene. I'm no longer on the ground, but instead I'm being propped up by Miss Swan…Emma. Emma. I try it out in my head. It sounds nice, personal, but I guess that's okay considering everything she's witnessed tonight. I groan, stirring a bit. She looks at me, pleased that I'm finally awake.

Emma POV:

All of a sudden, she just passed out. I mean full on blackout, like in the movies. She hit the ground before I could catch her, but thankfully she was already unconscious and didn't feel a thing. Quickly, I reach down and prop her up, leaning her against myself. I don't know why, but ever since I heard her sing that song, I have an incredibly strong urge to take care of her. She seems so childlike in sleep, her eyes gently closed and her lips slightly parted as her face finally relaxes. All of my animosity toward her has faded away, as I feel a sudden surge of emotions toward her. Perhaps it's my maternal instincts kicking in. Yeah, let's go with that, because the other option is too scary to think about. She finally starts to stir. I sigh in relief. Maybe now I'll get some answers.

Regina POV:

I try to support myself, but reconsider it after seeing how weak I still am. Pathetic. I can hear Cora sneering at me to get up, to stop relying on others to get me out of my mistakes. I look up at Emma, scared to see the same reaction in her, but she greets me with a smile.

"Well, looks like Sleeping Beauty finally decided to wake up" she teases playfully. Wrong, Emma. I'm the Evil Queen. Sleeping Beauty was in a different fairy tale. Wait…does this mean she thinks I'm beautiful? No, she's just using an expression. Stop overanalyzing, Regina. Besides, why do you care so much? I brush the thought aside, too much going on in my head to even begin to contemplate the implications of that train of thought.

I smile back, a small, cautious smile. She's not running away. She's seen me break down, in more ways than one, and she's still here. Maybe she's different. Maybe I can trust her.

"Yeah, I couldn't keep you waiting the hundred years. Even my magic isn't strong enough to keep you young that long" I deflect, buying myself some time. I'll have to tell her, I know I will, but not just yet.

"I guess not" She smirks, looking squarely at me. Have her eyes always been that beautiful? Get a hold on yourself, Regina…you're slipping into dangerous territory.

Emma POV:

Okay, she's awake, she's functioning, no permanent damage from the fall. Good. I let her have a few more minutes to recover before my impatience forces me to ask again.

"Hey, Regina? I can see you're okay now. If you want to talk…" I let my voice trail off, the invitation open for her to take.

Regina POV:

She wants to talk. All of a sudden, my head spins and I start to hyperventilate again, but this time, I refuse to black out. Emma deserves an explanation, and she's right. I do need to fight through this. If I don't, it will continue to haunt me for the rest of my life.

"Yeah…I want to talk…just give me a second to catch my breath" I gasp out, head still spinning. She puts her hand on my shoulder, and this time, I don't flinch away. Baby steps, Regina. You can do this.

Finally, after another few minutes, the world stands still and I can breathe again. "Okay. What did you want to know?"

Emma POV:

It takes all my self-restraint not to shout with joy. Finally, some progress. My hand stays on her shoulder, but I don't push any further. I'm just glad she's willing to talk.

"Well…" I start out, looking for the right words to say, "why did you sing that song at karaoke tonight? I know it couldn't just have been for the killer vocals. That song is full of pain and bitterness. Do you want to know how I know that? Because that same song helped me work through memories of some of my not so pleasant foster homes". I hear her gasp, and continue gently "Not all my families were great. Most of them sucked, and none kept me for longer than a couple years. That's why I have a hard time putting down roots. But, I've started working through my problem. I'm staying here in Storybrooke, because for once, I feel that I belong. And now, I want to help you. So tell me Regina, what happened to you?"

Regina POV:

Her voice was full of such warmth as she told her story. I never knew the terrible things she went through. I just assumed she was a bad person and judged from there. _I'm sorry!_ I want to shout out, but instead, I take a deep breath and compose myself in order to tell my story.

"It started when I was just a child" I began slowly, trying to fight the tears I felt welling up in my eyes. "I was only five…"

And that's all it took. All of the memories came flooding back to my head. The beatings, the threats, the magical restraints. It was all clear in my head. I'd managed to keep strong for so long, and now I was tired of that. I couldn't do it anymore…I just couldn't.

Emma POV:

The tears come rushing down her face like a waterfall. That protective feeling from before comes back as I wrap my arms around her and pull her into my chest, my hands stroking her silky hair.

"There, you go, let it out. Atta girl" I do my best to be comforting, tilting her chin up to see my smile. She smiles faintly back, then takes a deep breath before launching into her story.

"C-c-c-cora, m-my mother" she sniffles out. The rest of her words are garbled with tears, and I can only pick out bits and pieces of it. "Sh-she used m-m-magic…I was b-b-bad…p-punished me…hit…b-bound me with m-m-magic…c-couldn't t-tell a-a-anyone…d-daddy didn't know…w-wasn't g-good enough…n-never good enough…" She pauses here to dry her face and take a deep breath. "I thought that if I tried harder, if I was better, it would stop, and she would finally love me, but it never did. She never did. I guess I'm just that worthless. I don't deserve her love. I don't deserve to be loved at all." At this epiphany, she bursts into tears again, burying her head in my shoulder.

I hold her as she weeps, letting her cry it out before trying to talk to her again. The damage that twisted bitch inflicted on her little girl…I had no idea how deep it ran. How could anyone be so evil as to deprive their child of love, of happiness? Even my foster parents weren't that bad. She manipulated Regina so successfully that she convinced her she was undeserving of love. I wanted to scream with anger. Feelings between Regina and me were never warm and fuzzy, but everyone deserves love. No matter how much bad they've done, no matter how much pain they've caused. Love is one of those things that people can't afford to be stingy with. Especially with a fucking child!

She finally stops crying. It seems that her tears have run out. She looks up at me, and I can't help thinking how adorable she looks. Eyes glistening like molten chocolate, nose slightly red, and lips quivering with vulnerability. I allow her a little distance, which she takes, sitting up and turning to face me.

"You look beautiful when you cry. Did you know that?" I say casually, trying to lighten the mood. She sniffs, chuckling, then gives me a small smile.

"So I've been told. I try not to make a habit of it" she jokes uneasily, but I don't let her deflect again. She's made so much progress just by opening up to me. This needs to finished, and it needs to be finished now.

"Why do you think you're undeserving of love?" I ask gently. She regards me slowly.

Regina POV:

I look at her slowly as I ponder her question, not trusting myself with words just yet. The tears are welling up inside me again, and her silly comment aside, I'm sure she's had enough of my histrionics for tonight. Finally, I feel that I'm able to open my mouth without gushing tears and answer her.

"Because…because I'm just not!" I yell, frustrated. "All my life, everything I did was never good enough. I was never good enough. No matter how hard I tried, in the end it wasn't enough. I tried so hard, Emma, and it didn't even matter!"Did I just call her Emma out loud? I freeze. After a few seconds, I continue. "The only two people I ever loved that loved me back are long dead, and one I killed myself" I pause for a moment, letting that sink in. It's better for her to know, so she can hate me like everyone else. "Murderers like me don't deserve love. Maybe I did as a child, but now, I'm too far gone. I'm sorry for wasting your time, Miss Swan. Have a pleasant evening." I turn away as those traitorous tears make a repeat appearance. I have been weak before her for far too long.

Emma POV:

My frustration is slowly building to a boil. Why doesn't she get that I want to help her?! Her words say _Leave_ , but as I turn her back around, her eyes scream _Please don't leave me!_

"I'm not leaving, Regina" I say firmly. She looks at me with utter disbelief, and a tiny shred of hope shimmers in her chocolate depths. "Not until I help you understand that you are worthy of love."

"How can you say that?" she demands. "You have no idea what I'm capable of, no idea what I've done. You don't know me at all." It's my turn to stare in disbelief. Is she trying to convince me that her twisted victim mentality is right?

"Are you serious? Is it easier for you to live without love, Regina? Because I can assure you, no matter what you've done, no matter how terrible, you still deserve love. Everyone deserves love. And you're not as bad as you think" She snorts in derision at this part. "Really. You're actually a pretty amazing person, Regina."

"Why would you think that?" With any other person, at any other time, I would say that's just fishing for compliments, but I can tell that Regina needs to hear this. I take hold of her head and pull it gently down until it's resting in my lap. Then I begin to talk, stroking her soft hair all the while.

"Well for starters, you're a pretty great mayor. You run this town more smoothly and efficiently than anyone else could. You're a take charge person, and you never leave anything undone. Your energy and perseverance amaze me" I find myself saying to her. It's all true. I'm not making it up just to boost her apparently nonexistent self-esteem. "You have a way with Henry that I never could. You're a caring, wonderful, responsible mother, and I am forever indebted to you for taking care of my son better than I could myself" My compliments turn into heartfelt confessions from the depth of my heart. Nobody's ever heard these before. I've kept them hidden inside, afraid someone would find out my own shortcomings.

"Do you really think so? Or are you just saying that?" Regina wants so badly to believe, but her brain isn't letting her. "I mean being mayor really isn't that difficult. Any idiot with a PDA could do it. And everything you're saying about my persistence is bullshit. I'm just trying not to fail at everything like I always do. Then everything about Henry is a lie. You're his birth mother, and he loves you, and he doesn't love me, and-"

I cut her ranting off by lifting up her head and pressing my lips gently to hers. Our eyes flutter shut, and after a second I pull away. Holy shit! Where the hell did that come from? I just wanted to shut her up! She's stunned silent, so I guess that's one way of getting the job done. She looks at me softly with those big doe eyes of hers, waiting for me to decide what's next.

"Henry does love you, Regina, and so do I". The second I say it, I know it to be true. "I love you, Regina, just the way you are. Flawed, broken, scarred, it's made you who you are, and that person is absolutely incredible. That's the person I've fallen in love with. I guess I just wasn't willing to admit it to myself because I was afraid of getting rejected by you. I mean, you're so intimidating, always on my case, but I see now that was just your trauma talking. Let me help you, Regina. It won't be easy. Healing never is. But I can tell you that it will be a lot easier with someone by your side to help you along. I'm not forcing you to do anything, Regina. I just want to let you know that I'm here for you." At this, she bursts into tears for what seems like the millionth time that night (how has she not run out already?) and buries her head in my chest. I wrap my arms around her, holding her and smoothing down her hair, trying to comfort her.

Regina POV:

I can't believe it. After all this time, someone actually cares about me. Not about what I can do, not about who they think I am, but about the real me. Emma's seen me at my worst, and she still says she loves me. After that kiss, I'm inclined to believe her. It was soft, and sweet, and so right. She wants to help me. She wants me to be happy. She cares about me. She loves me. She loves me! Twenty eight years of pent up emotion have made their way through my tear ducts tonight as I start sobbing again, but this time, they're happy tears. She takes me into her chest and I snuggle there, relishing the feeling of warmth and safety. So this is what it feels like to be loved. No wonder people go crazy over it. It's been such a long time since anyone loved me like this, showed me such affection. The last was brutally murdered by my mother. But now, I have hope again. I do deserve love. I am loved. After what feels like an eternity, I pull myself up and gaze into Emma's eyes. The spring green pools sparkle with compassion as she smiles warmly at me.

"You mean it? You really, really mean it?" She just shakes her head, laughing. "I love you too, Emma. All those times I made your life miserable…I just had all of these confusing feelings inside me, and it was easier to lash out and hurt you first before you could hurt me. For years I was always told I was evil, heartless, unlovable. You are the first one to say something different, the first one to give me hope. Take me, Emma, all of me. I give myself to you. Help me help myself. I want to stop feeling so miserable inside. I'm tired of being numb."

"Are you sure about this?" Emma asked cautiously. "This is a big commitment. You're going to have to go to therapy, and change your mindset, and everything" She inspects me for signs of caving, and seeing none, she smiles. "Okay, Regina. Let's do this…together."

She pulls me in tightly for a hug, and I close my eyes, smiling contentedly. There was hope. I was going to get help for my trauma, and Emma, the woman who loved me, would be next to me every step of the way. I breathe in deeply, feeling alive. I was no longer numb.


End file.
